WTF? Love is a fucking stalker! It doesn't want to leave me alone! That is the LAST thing I want on my mind, but yet it continues to follow me around where ever I go...It's suffocating me.

I'm done with it for now, I need some me time, I want to focus on my life right now, I don't need it distracting me. As time goes by it becomes increasingly more difficult to ignore. I'm fine on my own, all I need is friends and family, sometimes not even them; Me, singular, alone, solitary, isolated, apart, solo...peace of mind.

So for the past week or so, I've been having a tough time gettin motivated to much of anything.  I think I'm fighting off exaughstion,  that and all the stressfull drama that's been going on that I can't escape, it's with family and I don't really want to escape from them I just want things to be all better now.  The play is distracting me-a little- but not enough.  My life is carrying over into my play time and I think, though no one has told me as of yet, it's affecting my performance.  This upsets me.  I want to be able to get up there and have a ball, just really fly with this, but I lack the energy and drive to do so.  I've tried calling my mom at the hospital, no answer, they're probably running tests or something.  They still don't know what's wrong.  I talked to my brother this morning and he said that she might be comming home tonight, YAY!   

Elaine called me last night crying and asking me tell Geo to call her as soon as he could, I hope things are okay.  She said it was family stuff, but none the less, I hate to see or hear one of my friends cry.

I go in for a second interview Thursday @10am! Yay! I don't want to jinx anything, but I have a good feeling about this! Only down side is that I can't have my facial peircings in...But I can always just put in some jewlery that is un-noticable.

I'm not looking forward to rehersal tonight, I'm hoping and praying that it wont be as bad as it was last night. Oh crap I forgot to work on my jokes for class, plus I haven't watched anything funny...DAMN IT!

Well I gotta stop dicking around and get to work.

The show opens October 13, THIS FRIDAY at 8pm! It's at Pasadena City College. It runs till the 21st.

1:30am 10-10-06

But I can’t. I have a job interview tomorrow at 11 am, I need sleep, and beings that we got out of a very stressfull and rough first tech rehersal at 12am tonight I should be able to just pass the fuck out…No such luck. I’ve been having alot of stuff on my mind as of late. Mainly my cousin Joan and cousin Janet and a friend from Jr. High Chrissy.

Joan was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, last I heard the prognosis is good they think they caught it in time.

Janet just recently lost her husband, he was the love of her life and a great man, the world is a little less bright now that he is gone.

And Chrissy, *sigh* there are no words. We became close friends for a brief period of time when we were younger, then through stupid mistakes I made, we slowly drifted apart. I still love her greatly. And I now have to live with the constant pain of knowing that she may not be around much longer. I found out about a week ago that her Cistic Fibrosis(?spelling?) is finally getting the best of her. She always told me that if it came to the point where she would need a lung transplant that she doesn’t want one, that she just would accept that it was her time to go or just try to make it through without one. This is very hard for me to handle, I feel like such a douche because I can’t even bring myself to visit her, I honestly don’t think I can handle it. Seeing this tiny little thing who has always been this strong woman, stronger than most especially for her size(God I love that little fisty shit of a girl!) She never put up with anyone’s crap. But she is also one of the most kind and beautiful souls I think I will ever meet. To know all of this about her and then to go she her sick, weak, and barely hanging on…it simply breaks my heart.

When I think about all the great people who die before their time, who have so much promise and potiential, I just think why doesn’t God take me instead.

My best friend in high school had her mother(one of the many second mothers in my life and a great kind and giving woman) taken away from her suddenly. It devistated the family and friends, such as myself, I also asked myself this same question. What am I gonna do that is so great that you can’t take me instead God? What is my life compared to those with so much more to offer. What do I do that I desirve to be here when they are gone?

A year ago another friend of mine was suddenly taken away, Miwa, a fantastic and very talented actress with a heart of gold. She died in a car crash on her last trip up to Berkley. She fell asleep at the wheel and drifted into on comming traffic. If you knew Miwa, you might have had the same question passing through your mind when you heard the devistating news. So many beautifull and promising souls taken away from the world on a daily basis, why? So many tortured, sick, and blackend souls left here, why? I know that the big dude up-stairs knows what he is doing, but it’s hard sometimes to have faith in that knowledge. I guess my faith is growing weak, this scares me. With out faith, I am truely nothing and I am truely weak and powerless.

Life goes on, but with all this death constantly surrounding me, it makes it very hard to find a purpose, to come up with a reason to get out of bed every day.

I’m one of the most blessed people I know, why is this? I’m not complaining! Don’t get me wrong! I know that I try to share my blessings with others as much as humanly possible, I hope. The only reason for all this that I can think of is that I’m destined to do something great, what? I don’t know. Maybe it’s as small as what I do on a daily basis.

I’m writting a letter to both Janet and Joan, both have been strong influences on me and both are great women and I love them dearly, I wish they or I didn’t live so far away. I will be visiting Chrissy ASAP, I’m putting aside my own guilt and fear and will try to be there for her family as much as possible. Please Lord, don’t take her away, I don’t want to picture a life with out her in the world, it will never be as beautifull with out her.

There are things that I should be focusing on right now and I simply can’t with all of these thoughts and nightmares in my mind. I have the play opening in less than a week, I’ve been slacking on the stand-up thing(all though I have got some stuff done.) And my friendships with those that are closest to me are falling apart.

I’m not the same person I was, I don’t like who I have become. The joy and laughter and light that burned with in me is now all but completely vanished. I want me back, the old me, the happy “got my shit together,” “strong as a rock,” the firm place where everyone would lean on when times got rough, it’s gone. I find myself leaning on others more than I used to. I’m not comfortable with this at all.

I used to be the one that could fix anything, the one people would turn to when they needed anything. Yes, I’m living for myself, being good to myself, but that’s not enough. Helping others is my passion in life. That’s the one thing in life I AM SURE OF, I am fullfilled when I’m helping those around me. Exactly how I am supposed to do this, besides the day to day stuff, I am not sure. Maybe it’s through my acting, maybe through comedy, maybe it’s through being a better friend, or maybe it’s something completely different and I haven’t even thought of it yet. I want to be the better friend that I used to be, I don’t know how to get back to that person yet, I don’t know how to get past all this inner turmoil I have going on.

I have failed so many people recently, so many. If you are one of those people and your reading this, I’m sorry, so very sorry. I’m trying to find my way back to the person I used to be, the person I loved being, it’s just a little bit harder this time around. Give me some time and I’ll get there, I know I will, I always do. I’ll bounce back, I just need to find my path. I can’t go back to exactly who I once was, too much has gone on and too many people and events in my life have changed me. But I know I can get back to the core of me, and I can’t do it the same way I did it last time, too much has change for that to work.

The only thing I can think of at the moment is to grow stronger in my faith, my relationship with God is at it’s worst at the moment, my life is never as good as when I’m connected with God. I’m not getting preachy on you. I’m merely saying how I work, I will never push my beliefes upon anyone…EVER. My relationship with God is between Him and me ALONE. I take it very personally and very privately. If you want to know about it, I’m not against sharing my beliefes, so feel free to ask, but I’m not going to go into anything too deep here with out being propmted from someone else. He is my Father, He is the only one I can truely and completely and honestly rely on ALWAYS. My relationship with him is the most intimate relationship I’ve had, have, and ever will have with anyone. I’ve neglected Him for far too long, and I think that might be why I’m living with all of this uncertanty in my life at the moment.

Okay, I got WAY off topic, too many tangents. Oh well. I feel a little better now and feel a bit more focused and the picture is a bit more clear now. Time for some much needed rest and meditation. Wish me good luck on my interview tomorrow and send some good Juju and thoughts and prayers to my friend Chrissy and her family. As well as my cousins.

My heart is still in pieces but I’m cleaning them up piece by peice and glueing them back together, I will be whole again, I wont be the same, just whole…That’s good enough for me at the moment. Night all.